he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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