What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
