At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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