i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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