who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
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She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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