I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
