phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
