Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
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vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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