I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
