You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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