I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Let's get the cat blown out
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
