I think I won the penis lottery.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
