my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
