And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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