Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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