i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
