btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
