dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
