Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
