Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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