I just threw up on my dentist
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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