I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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