So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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