i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
