somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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