You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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