i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
