I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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