Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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