Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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