I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
