genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
