It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
