I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
