my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It was confusing and full of hummus
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
