hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
