He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
