The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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