i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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