I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Randomize
