Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
we should paint friendship bongs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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