things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
