Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
