If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Can you bring me the toilet please
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
