I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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