I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
