In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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