Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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