while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
