At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
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