His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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