I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
