I wish I could punch you in the face.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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