genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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