I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I understand Curling. That high.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I didn't notice because vodka
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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