Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
