Jerry, you need to find god
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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