Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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