hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
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The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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