I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
