I can text with my tongue
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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